I have very obviously avoided writing on this blog for an extended period of time. No explanation suffices except to say "words fail me"; at least recently. I have loved words since my childhood. There is an artistic and metaphorical beauty to the use of words. I love how writers mold a unique scene just by the use of words. But, words can cut and wound especially when they metamorphose into thoughts that are painful. So, I have avoided this typing of my thoughts to avoid the pain lurking in the back of my mind. I don't like dragging it out and examining it. But today a word came into my mind as I was walking through downtown Berkeley, CA and through UC Berkeley, to go to the Botanic Gardens. The word jubilant came to my mind. I am not sure why, but I was feeling it. The ocean breezes, ridiculously blue sky, and uphill stroll imbued me with a jubilant attitude. I don't think that I have ever spoken that word before, but it fits. It reminds me of a quote I like by Albert Camus which is "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer".
I love spending time with my daughter and exploring. And, of course, we are both "foodies" and there is a bounty of good food here.The walk to the Botanic Gardens proved to be too long, although the sights entertained me. One of my friends has a daughter who attends the university, and as fate would have it, I saw her on a motor scooter on Piedmont Av. (a very busy street). She had the same look of determination that she exhibits for all of the sports she plays. I laughed. What fun. Go Khala- Go Bears softball!
And, picture this----(I sound like Sophia on the Golden Girls) Revival Bar and Kitchen in Berkeley: Jeanette and I decided to share food so we could get a taste of the eclectic menu.First, Flatbread with pumpkin, cilantro, bok choy, and cilantro pesto; Second, fairy pumpkin soup with caramelized apples and sage; Third, short ribs with brocolini & squash and turnip potato mash and a demi-glaze sauce covering all; and lastly, caramelized pear with walnut strusel and pear vanilla ice cream. It was sublime. An autumnal feast.
In the last year since Michael's death I have moved in a hodge-podge way through grief. No rhyme, no reason. Some days unfathomable pain, other days melancholy memories, and the best days gratitude for everything he brought into my life. I try to picture him in paradise using his awesome cooking skills and playing his guitar. Since God gave him those gifts, I imagine he enjoys them in heaven.  

I stand eyes to sky. The silence beckons my spirit. Silence---not a lack of noise, but a space for awe. The orbed moon is behind lacy clouds. I would linger if it was not 22 degrees outside. Someday, I will linger in amazement at the splendor, and mystery.
So much of my days in the last 6 months since Michael's accident have been devoted to wearing my cloak of suppression to hide the razor sharp pain.
I should call it my personal ice-age, or hibernation might be appropriate. Or, maybe I am an out of tune instrument unable to make music that is pleasing to the ear. Metaphors abound, but none explain.
I am reading a useful book called One Thoudand Gifts. The author's words are worth pondering:"suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart---and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty".

Today it is a little easier to see the joy still present in life. Curt and Christa welcomed baby Jacob into the world. What a beautiful sight he is.

Sweet memories. Soft blankets and baby noises. I loved those days.

I have photos of Michael as a baby scattered on a chest of drawers near my bed. Seeing his curious bright blue eyes everyday soothes the ache that I have managed to smother. I realize that I can't do this "denial thing" forever without paying the consequences, but I don't see an alternative until I finish school in April. Maybe then I will have the time to face reality----or maybe not.

Yesterday it snowed. I had the opportunity to contemplate the gentle beauty of snowflakes while I sat in my car on I-25. Usually, my drive to work is 40 minutes. Yesterday, it took me 2 1/2 hours. It was 18 degrees outside my car and the snowflakes looked like tiny ballerinas dancing toward my windshield---enchanting. I noticed something when I was parked on the freeway---two cups of coffee is great while you are drinking it, but not when you are stranded in the snow.

I noticed something else---snow is beautiful, but I miss California.

Contemplation: to ponder, or meditate---to view or consider with continued attention. At the moment I am pondering the word gratitude. Since Michael's passing I have realized that counting my blessings isn't about making a list of things that make me happy, but it is a mindset of gratitude---even when I am feeling sorry for myself. I am grateful even while I am sad. I am thankful, not for circumstances, but in circumstances.