Today it is a little easier to see the joy still present in life. Curt and Christa welcomed baby Jacob into the world. What a beautiful sight he is.

Sweet memories. Soft blankets and baby noises. I loved those days.

I have photos of Michael as a baby scattered on a chest of drawers near my bed. Seeing his curious bright blue eyes everyday soothes the ache that I have managed to smother. I realize that I can't do this "denial thing" forever without paying the consequences, but I don't see an alternative until I finish school in April. Maybe then I will have the time to face reality----or maybe not.

Yesterday it snowed. I had the opportunity to contemplate the gentle beauty of snowflakes while I sat in my car on I-25. Usually, my drive to work is 40 minutes. Yesterday, it took me 2 1/2 hours. It was 18 degrees outside my car and the snowflakes looked like tiny ballerinas dancing toward my windshield---enchanting. I noticed something when I was parked on the freeway---two cups of coffee is great while you are drinking it, but not when you are stranded in the snow.

I noticed something else---snow is beautiful, but I miss California.

Contemplation: to ponder, or meditate---to view or consider with continued attention. At the moment I am pondering the word gratitude. Since Michael's passing I have realized that counting my blessings isn't about making a list of things that make me happy, but it is a mindset of gratitude---even when I am feeling sorry for myself. I am grateful even while I am sad. I am thankful, not for circumstances, but in circumstances.